Before the horizon
As this year nearly comes to its end, I think back on what it has brought. For me personally a true tragic moment that defined a new way of life, a life with a missing piece. I’m skirting around the what but it’s something that weighs on me heavily, something that I will always carry with me from now on. I look forward to getting out of the numerically valued year, onto a new, hoping that the horizon that shines bright and positive might just turn out to be the case for 2019.
I think it’s saying it out loud that breaks me… I lost my best friend, who felt more like a brother to me this year, he died of cancer. The words just sound so hollow, it knocks the wind out of me, it’s a FULL STOP. A brick wall that stops you on your way, and there’s no getting through it. Perpetually stuck in a constant misery, asking questions with answers that give more questions.
The harshness of such a life altering moment, made it a tough year to try and get through it. And for months and months I struggled with conceptualising the future, I couldn’t see it. Stuck in a well of depression and pessimism, that skewed my mentality for a time. It was all down to perspective, one that I couldn’t really change at the time. My mind would always try to answer what ifs with more questions, creating noise to push out the reality. But the reality would fight back, and I would lose, I would lose terribly.
Story telling in any format has always been a safe haven for me, whether in a Video Game, a Book/Comic, Music, TV or the most impactful for me, Film. In all forms they come teaching lessons, bringing forth new knowledge for you to understand. They let you escape the world whilst also entering another, even if it’s just the very same world you’re used too. It reflects a part of life, it creates discussion, it bears its heart and soul for the world to see. It is in part; truth, some truth that defines a certain point of view, a passion for an idea, a love for a person(s). That reflection of life impacts your own, no matter the context, it enriches you as a person, as someone connected to the material.
Also in the same way it lets you, as the creator, say what you need to say, in which ever form that is in order to express you and what you’re going through. To let you, breathe. To speak like you couldn’t with words, you can through the characters dialogue & expressions, the mood, the tone, the visuals; the seen & heard. All of these elements as a part of you, are able to say what you wanted to in a way that is more impactful than words on their own could ever be.
That’s why I’m a storyteller. In what I write, and in what I make, I lend my voice, through the different mediums I’m fortunate to be able to express them through. Some of them aren’t directly linked to life experience, but are influenced by them. So that the work is a reflection of me, but also allowed to be something else. Take for example ‘The Life of Max’ game, something that I’m very fortunate to work on. Creating something for a different medium, is excited and scary all at the same time, but in both cases rewarding.
This expression of myself is going into my first feature film. One that I believe now, will be something very special, something very personal and connected with me. With the time I’ve had to develop it, between working, responsibilities, trying to actually rest and find a way to get through the grief it is shaping up to be something I am incredibly proud of, and I’m very excited about creating. It’s an extension of myself that is very much a reflection of an integral part of me.
As the year comes to a close I am winding down to enjoy the Christmas Season. To give some time to planning what I will be doing at the start of the New Year, and making sure that I have a productive start to 2019. With over 15 short films planned, I really hope to be filming again in the new year, being on set is something I’ve missed wholeheartedly. Working with Cast & Crew again is always a dream. To keep up a consistent body of work, and to keep pushing forward with new and exciting ideas.
The feature film will be something that is going to be more active too, at the time of writing this I’m 92 pages into the screenplay, and excited to get back into continuing with the work. I hope to make it someday, if production could start in 2019 I’d be very happy for that to be the reality.
Whatever life is now, I can see now there’s something better looming over the horizon, a brighter future from a darker past. What I do know is who is with me in my heart and in my mind, and what I want to do in honour of them. And for those who are still around, it’s always for them.